Kevin from HR just wanted to impress his boss. He had spilled coffee on himself twice already that morning and was determined not to make it three by ordering a sleek new state-of-the-art coffee machine for the office break room, complete with a built-in milk frother, Wi-Fi, and Bluetooth. He was so proud of the new machine that he even splurged on artisanal beans labeled NecroBoldTM – The Roast That Transcends. It was delivered to him in less than thirty minutes as promised. To be exact, it was delivered in six minutes and sixty-six seconds.
He should have seen the signs, but he didn’t. He was focused on impressing his boss and actually consuming a cup of coffee instead of spilling it on himself. The moment the machine beeped and hissed to life, Kevin made himself a latte with the kind of reverence normally reserved for wine sommeliers or unstable nuclear reactors.
Taking a sip, something inside him clicked, fizzled, and then caught fire. His pupils dilated, his eyes rolled back, and his tie levitated ever so slightly.
“Hey Kev, you okay, buddy?” Denise from payroll asked.
Kevin didn’t answer. He looked up, his eyes glowing a faint mocha color, and marched straight to his desk. He sat down and started typing. Fast. Inhumanly fast.
His emails flew and reports self-generated. Entire spreadsheets coded themselves in Sanskrit. Every Slack message Kevin sent appeared with a flaming skull emoji and an ominous “So it is written” attached to them.
The entire HR department watched in confused awe as Kevin drafted a new PTO policy that balanced karma, time zones, and the Zodiac calendar.
“I think Kevin’s…possessed,” Denise whispered as she joined to watch the HR spectacle.
“Nah,” Jeff from IT replied as he took a sip of own latte. “Just highly caffeinated.” Jeff’s eyes flickered red for a second without anyone noticing.
Elsewhere in the building, printers began spitting out scrolls, the water cooler bubbled like a witch’s cauldron, and the potted plants leaned away from the break room as if trying to escape from the caffeinated madness.
By lunch, Kevin had filed six hundred and sixty-six forms, summoned a minor accounting demon named Gurn, and rewritten the entire employee handbook in Latin.
HR morale had never been higher.