Flight 666 from Charlotte to Atlanta was scheduled to be uneventful. Until Melissa, a cheerful flight attendant with a slight caffeine dependency and a fear of turbulence, made coffee using the new international airline blend, Inferno Roast – Bold, Bracing, Slightly Otherworldly.

It’s got a kick, the supplier brochure promised. Pairs well with dread.

“Nothing pairs well with dread,” Melissa said to herself and brewed the coffee anyway. The aroma hit row 13 like a wall. Several passengers perked up and one service dog began growling at the beverage cart.

She poured a mix of coffee and a dash of soy milk to top off the flat white for a grumpy businessman in seat 14C and that’s when the overhead compartment started growling.

Not a mechanical hum but a growl like a tiger with indigestion. The door to the bin shook once, twice, and then violently flung open to reveal a swirling black and red mini vortex. Out tumbled a flaming briefcase, a family of mildly surprised gremlins, and someone’s left shoe.

Melissa stared. “Sir, did you bring any, any dimensional anomalies in your carry on?”

The man blinked and shook his head. “Just my neck pillow and a Sudoku book.”

From row 23, a toddler pointed at the swirling portal, clapped, and squealed in a high pitch voice, “YAY! SPINNY DARK THING!”

The gremlins tried to unionise by hijacking the in-flight entertainment system and playing motivational videos narrated by Danny DeVito in Latin and the co-pilot reported seeing a flaming goat on the wing. The captain was told to promptly escort him out of the cockpit and strap him to the attendant’s empty seat.

Meanwhile, Melissa, armed with nothing but a bar cart and unshakeable Southern politeness, wheeled down the aisle offering cookies and calm explanations like, “Sir, please return to your seat; the portal is not part of your Latitude Altitude upgrade.”

Eventually, the captain negotiated with the vortex by offering it three packs of cookies, a warm towel, and exclusive streaming rights. It reluctantly closed and Melissa swore off coffee forever.

Until someone in business class asked for a decaf. That’s when the coffee machine started weeping blood.