The escalation specialist, whose nametag read Orvahn, Department of Eternal Torment, did not look impressed with Harmony Café.

“I see you’ve selected Option nine,” Orvahn droned. “That means full-scale intervention. Let’s review your file.” They flipped open a folder that smelled faintly of sulfur and overbrewed decaf. “Hmm. Excessive use of portal based deliveries. Three separate possession claims, one of which was just a latte art foam swan, and…” They squinted. “A signed complaint from The Abyss itself requesting patrons stop screaming into it.”

Jo crossed her arms. “We didn’t start the screaming.”

Clorvex raised a paw. “I was making a joyful noise.”

Jeff cleared his throat. “In their defense, the café is under unique cross-dimensional strain, and frankly…”

Orvahn held up a clawed hand. “We’re not here to hear your defense. We’re here to upgrade your curse package.”

Matteo looked up from the grinder. “We have a curse package?”

“Yes,” Orvahn replied, shuffling papers. “Currently you’re on Mild Chaos Basic. Very popular with small businesses. We’re bumping you to Moderate Torment Plus.”

“What does that even mean?” Mira asked.

Orvahn smiled for the first time, revealing far too many teeth. “Your spoons will forever fall into the garbage disposal, your sugar will always clump and your customers will forget their orders the second you call their name.”

The Queen of the Hollow Moon clapped her hands. “Oh, delightful. Petty torment. My favorite.”

Jo slammed her rag on the counter. “Absolutely not. We are not living like that.”

“Then,” Orvahn said, leaning towards her, “you’ll have to appeal.”

“How do I do that?”

Orvahn smiled with too many teeth again. “You’ll have to go to the Appeals Office.”

“Dare I ask where that is?”

“That’s on sub level thirteen, Department of Screaming Voids.”

Everyone groaned.

From the corner, Jeff muttered, “Told you this wasn’t my department.”