Sev said he had been undead for at least six hundred and sixty-six years but he couldn’t remember to be honest. It was so long ago that he often just made up an age depending on his mood, but in that time he’d learned three things.

One, never glamor a goat.

Two, always stir tea clockwise.

Three, vampire politics were more exhausting than a decaf menu.

Naturally he suggested a vampire summit.

“It’s fondue diplomacy,” Sev declared, setting up a chocolate fountain in Harmony Café. “A chance to build trust between the rival vampire clans of Cedar Grove.”

Jo stared at him. “You invited the Bloodroots and the Fangduchés to eat melted chocolate together?”

“With tiny skewers,” Sev said proudly.

Matteo peeked at the guest list. “You realize half of them are technically at war over a 19th century monocle, right?”

At 7:07 pm, the vampires arrived.

The Bloodroots wore matching velvet. The Fangduchés brought emotional support rats in bowties. Clorvex arrived late, carrying six bags of marshmallows and a piñata shaped like garlic bread. 

“For atmosphere,” he explained.

Mira brewed a calming tea so potent that it briefly turned one vampire into a poetry reading goose.

Jo set the ground rules.

No biting without consent.

No passive aggressive hissing.

Fondue skewers were not weapons.

No one was to refer to Jo as the mortal buffer zone.

The Queen of the Hollow Moon observed from her preferred booth, sipping espresso with powdered moonflower. “This better end in a blood pact or at least interpretive dance.”

It started well.

There were polite toasts, fondue dipped strawberries, and compliments on eyeliner.

Then Clorvex unveiled his side project, Love at First Bite: The Undead Dating Game filmed with a ring light and a budget of eleven dollars.

“Tonight’s contestants,” he announced, “will attempt to form romantic alliances while debating blood types, eternity ethics, and whether Twilight was slander.”

Jo tried to unplug the camera, but it was too late.

By the end of the night, three couples were semi engaged, one monocle was thrown, a bat eloped with a rat, the fondue was cursed, and someone confessed they had a mortal crush on Jo, calling her ‘my daylight danger’.

Jo wiped chocolate off her apron. “I just wanted one peaceful fondue.”

Mira handed her tea. “You need something stronger.”

“Espresso?”

“Tranquilizer.”