Matteo had faced demons, time loops, sentient espresso foam, and one aggressively flirty vampire queen, but nothing, absolutely nothing, prepared him for vampires in business casual.
They came at dusk, wearing tailored blazers and fanged smiles, wielding clipboards and using words like synergy and customer verticals.
Their logo was a blood drop inside a latte cup, and their company name was CrimsonCoTM: Redefining the Bean.
Peeking through the blinds, Matteo hissed, “They’re trying to franchise Harmony Café.”
Jo sipped her third coffee and read their flyer.
CrimsonCoTM is a lifestyle brand. Ethically sourced blood beans. Subscription model coffins. Latte loyalty programs where the first sip’s free…eternity is extra.
Mira gagged. “They have merch.”
Sev muttered, “They’re backed by Ancient Venture Capital. The worst of its kind.”
Even Clorvex looked worried. “They asked me to consult. I told them I only freelance for actual chaos.”
The CrimsonCoTM team swept into Harmony Café like fanged locusts. There was Celia, the perky undead strategist, Viktor, VP of Eternal Optimization, and Xavier, a vampire influencer slash coffee taster with a man bun and a garlic allergy tattoo across his left hand.
“We love your vibe,” Celia chirped, “but let’s streamline! Add pop-up crypts. Drop the mop. You know, modernize the mortal.”
She pointed at Jo.
Jo stared at her, deadpan. “I am a mortal.”
“Exactly!” Celia beamed. “Authenticity!”
Matteo snapped. He brewed a shot so strong it made Viktor briefly re-live his death. Then he hand pulled a ristretto with such elegance that a ghost applauded. Finally, he topped it with latte art shaped like a giant middle finger.
“This café runs on chaos, caffeine, and very poor decisions,” he growled. “We are not scalable. We are barely stable.”
The Queen of the Hollow Moon, sipping quietly nearby, added, “Also, I hexed your exit strategy.”
The CrimsonCoTM team fled, chased by a mop, a bat, and Jo’s deeply unfiltered rage.
Later, Harmony Café returned to its beautiful and unhinged normal.
“Think they’ll come back?” Mira asked.
Jo smirked. “Let ’em try. I’ve got more mops.”
Matteo clinked his espresso cup to hers.
“To bottom lines we never follow.”