At Vexler & Grudge, the accounting firm so bland it made beige seem edgy, something extraordinary happened on a Tuesday.

Tina from Finance, desperate to stay awake during a spreadsheet audit, brewed a pot of coffee using a suspicious mystery bean sampler gifted by her cousin in a pyramid scheme. The packaging featured a goat in sunglasses and the phrase: Roasted in realms unspoken. Not FDA approved.

She figured it couldn’t be worse than the office swill. It was but it was also better somehow. The moment Tina took her first sip, her eyes rolled back, and she whispered, “Oh no…the Q4 projections are a lie.”

She then snapped back to reality and performed a three-tab pivot table with her mind.

Across the office, coworkers sipped the brew, and strange things started happening.

Dave from Payroll began communicating entirely in binary. Carol from Accounts Payable grew an extra thumb just for typing. Tim in Audits accurately predicted the next three IRS tax code revisions, a World Cup upset, and the exact number of raisins in a coworker’s granola bar.

They weren’t just caffeinated. They were transcendently accurate.

Their team began solving financial puzzles before they even existed. They audited companies that hadn’t been founded yet, and a PowerPoint in the conference room began rearranging its own slides for optimal impact.

Upper management was thrilled.

Until the coffee ran out.

Suddenly, balance sheets began speaking in tongues, profit margins rearranged themselves into cryptic symbols, and a printer printed ALL HAIL THE FINAL BALANCE before catching fire.

Tina, now sporting an aura of decimal point divinity, stood and declared, “The Audit must continue!”

The janitor unplugged the coffee machine and the spell broke with staff returning to normal. Except for Carol, who now dreams in spreadsheets and smells faintly of cinnamon.